


Different

by orphan_account



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Eating Disorders, Healing, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 15:06:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8583028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It wasn't Victors fault, he was inexperienced in coaching. Besides its not like my mental weakness just started.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I keep watching episode 7 and I keep having evil ideas, heres one.

I always was weak, at least as far back as I can remember. I can remember how I wasn't like the 'regular' boys, just because I found disgust in violence and distaste to girls. I wasn't like anyone back then truly, was I? I took ballet instead of basketball, I chose pink instead of blue, wore crowns of flowers instead of gold. I always payed for these irregular actions yet never seemed to stop. But that doesn't I was strong, not even in the slightest.

The long sweaters hid my disgust and shame, and life went on as so. Soon multiple layers joined the sweaters as my stomach began its lonely solitude, scratching and scraping away the walls of their prison. I soon grew dull and unobservant to the pain and hid my sobs with smiles. Scrapes begins traveling the globe of my body and excuses became extinct. So, I began to don two blades, one on ice, the other on skin.

The sick part of this was I began to enjoy living for once, alluding myself of the real world, choosing to rather communicate through ice instead of silence. The scars became faded and dull as my 'talent' began to shine through. I still had trouble eating but it was getting better. The sun, however, shines bright before it dies, and so did my glory. So I gave into the endless war inside my head and old habits arose, smiling through teeth of daggers and my smile became fake once again. I had along the line been accepted into some 'Important' world tournament, but declined, finding sick enjoyment in their shock.

I was done with skating, it no longer had a place in the rubble of the body. Classes seared my eyes, acids sliced my insides and my body became an artist's canvas. With lines and curves with deeper and lighter cuts, it became a hobby of mine. Colors as vast as the spectrum was available in my classes, yet no shade could ever compare to the one we make ourselves. Soon enough my education ended, and I dragged myself back to my home, resuming my place at the hot spring.

Soon my artists eyes became dull, and to this day that is what I blame for accepting Yuuko's request. As I donned my skates and danced some false sense of acceptance coursed my veins, a problem to which would be cut open later. After attempting a past heroes legacy groove, I couldn't even bother to be mad at the public viewing of my ignorance, people wouldn't care to see me then they wouldn't now. I came dangerously close to ending it that night, forgetting that it was supposed to hurt, only focusing on indulging in my addiction.

Fate is a thorned and bladed spirit, twisting and encasing someone to the point of suffocation, only to pull them out at the last second, relishing the traumatic aftermath. I was a victim of fate's little game, finding myself a pon on his checkerboard ready to give my life at his command yet here I stood, before the enemy, not caring the slightest. Oxygen came as a virus would, painful and freezing, reeking of emotions I never got to experience.

I would say that I hated HIM, bombing his way into my life like a maniac, making blood appear on my cheeks instead of down the bathroom drain. The emptiness came again waiting for its silver companion to attack yet it rarely the chance, HE was always by my side, asking if I was hungry, or if I wanted to go to the onsen. Lying was never hard for me, it was a talent perfected over time, yet HE make his throat swell up and his brain swell down. I had begin to falter as my tool met its mark and tried not to fall into a sense if security. Every time I did i regretted it, every time I tried to be myself people threw me into the ring and gave me gloves I didn't want to use. I didn't want to do all that again, it was worse than being inside the facade that was my personality.

Yuri helped, giving me motivation and purpose to don my artist's tools and paint across my the paper coating of my body. I knew that once Yuri won HE would leave and my happy days of sadness would soon return. Yet fate decided to keep the climax of it's story alive, needing the enjoyment and satisfaction of my struggles, so I walked out Onsen on Ice declared winner.

Yet what did I win, what did I gain? Did I gain HIM, even though once he finds out about me he will leave? Did I gain satisfaction, even though Yuri had his own demons to face? Did I gain freedom? If so then the freedom to do what? To control my sharpened metals instead of just guiding them? Yet it began to seem so, as instead of action I threw my heart into emotion. What good did that do me, shaking to the bone as my coach swears to be free of the burden that is me, for being the mess up I am?

He didn't know, he never needed to know yet I shouted it, screaming to the whole world of myself. I needed disgust, I craved for him to disown me and leave me to myself. Yet he didn't, he embraced me and loved my broken body till it became powdered dust, leaving a blank slate of a person to be molden in his care. So this is where I stand alone in a new mind of a abused body, unsure how to function. My only thoughts overflowing of simply HIM, HIM, HIM. So I did what we did together, moving my body as though HE was right beside me guiding and protecting me.

I didn't win, yet VICTOR and I are on our way to success, trying to find out who I used to be and who I will be. My problems didn't go away, they won't for a while. Sometimes it gets so bad, the voices come back, but VICTOR's voice clears them away for a while. I will never be the same, but maybe I don't have to be the SAME, maybe I could be DIFFERENT.


End file.
